Happy February, ladies! Love is in the air. Can you see it? Everywhere you look, from TV commercials to social media to your local market, the Valentine’s Day vibe is taking over. It’s like a location pin was dropped in the calendar as a sign to remind us all to remember and celebrate love.
But who says the emphasis has to be on giving to and receiving from others? Let’s do something different this year. Why not give yourself a gift? The gift of self-love. This is a great time to check in on your heart. To see if your quest to be loved is high-jacking your emotions and negatively affecting how you feel about yourself?
My concern for single women when it comes to love and relationships is at an all-time high. When I see reality TV and celebrity relationship scandals competing with top news stories for our attention, I can’t help but wonder if single women everywhere are experiencing similar drama in their love-life. Are you?
If so, it’s time for an intervention. And, I got you, Sis. Help is on the way! I want to love on you and give you tools and wisdom to care for yourself – especially your heart.
Like anything worth having, there are rules to love. Your heart needs to be trained and, most importantly, you must understand who you are and how valuable your life is. So, get your pen and notebook out, my love. The following 6 Points of Power, if taken seriously, will help to grow your self-awareness, and teach you how to self-love yourself to life.
6 Points of Power to Help You Grow in Self-love
Point #1: You are valuable. You matter. You are enough.
Sometimes people and relationships can make you feel disposable, but you’re not. Your life is very valuable. The sheer fact that God created you makes you important. Your value does not decline because others don’t see it. You are enough for anyone just as you are. The key is believing this with confidence even when you don’t feel that way.
Knowing who you are and what you are about helps you connect with the right people for your life’s journey. Whoever doesn’t “get” you, is not part of the ultimate plan for your life. What does this mean? Don’t sweat it when people dismiss you. They were supposed to leave. Convincing someone that you are a special gift may never happen. The goal is to convince yourself of this.
Point #2: You are a whole person. No one else can complete you.
Adding material things and people to your life can make you feel bigger and better for a time, but they do not complete you. You were born whole. See yourself as a complete person. You are not missing any ingredients. If you feel broken, ask God to heal your heart and bring back the pieces to put it back together.
When you begin to tap into the greatness inside of you, you will discover not only that you are enough, but that you are already whole. And, that those who come into your life are never meant to complete you but to complement the uniquely beautiful woman you are.
Point #3: Set boundaries around your life to guard your heart.
Setting boundaries is about knowing what is important to you, and knowing what you don’t want to deal with anymore. Your heart needs to be guarded and that responsibility is yours. You get to decide who to trust. You can’t let just anybody in. Some people will break your life so bad that it will take the rest of your life to recover and heal from the trauma.
Once you decide what your boundaries are, hold yourself accountable to them. The goal is for your list to eventually be those things that are non-negotiable for you. You can tell yourself what to do and what not to do. It’s true.
Love yourself completely and take good care of your life. Don’t allow people to misuse you and don’t agree to being misused. You are not a guest in your life; you are the host! You are responsible for managing every aspect of your life. The most important job you have is leading and managing you. Lead yourself well. You can do it.
Point #4: Love builds up. It never tears down.
Feeling loved is essential for our human condition and mental health. When you feel wanted and accepted, it settles your soul. But when the heart experiences mistreatment, it struggles because it only wants to be loved. And though our expressions of love may be different, there is a universal way of love that every heart can receive.
What love is, is underlined below. The rest tells us what love is not.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)
This is a mature way to love. This is how I want you to learn to love yourself. Be kind and loving to you – your soul needs it. Say “I love you” to yourself at least three times a day. Also, look for evidence of this love from the men you spend time with, and work on extending love in this way to others.
Before I move on from this point, I have to say this: If you have to disrespect yourself to love someone, it’s not love. Name calling, making you feel bad about yourself; physical abuse and domination; manipulation, threats and placing blame or guilt on you is not love. That is control. Avoid subjecting yourself to someone’s selfish agenda and demands to prove your love for them. It is enough to love and respect your mate. Reserve worship for God.
Point #5: Sex is a powerful force. Use it wisely.
Sex was created by God. Anything God creates is powerful. Your sex life is not separate from God’s care. He cares about how you use your body. Sex is sometimes used as a counterfeit for love, but it is not love.
Make a decision today concerning your life as it relates to sexual behavior. This is something within your control. Create a vision for your life regarding sex. No one sets out in wisdom to have multiple sex partners, unprotected sex, unplanned pregnancies or STDs, but it happens to the best of us. Nonetheless, you can decide today to make a change. Isn’t that wonderful? (God is so good!) Right the vision out and respect it by doing your best to hold yourself accountable to it.
Point #6: Focus on being healed before the next relationship.
What are you holding onto, or, what’s holding on to you that needs to go? Check your heart for lingering hurt, un-forgiveness, desperation, and things you find difficult to accept about yourself. Ask yourself: What still hurts? Am I holding a grudge? Do I have anxiety about ending up alone? What are my insecurities? Your answers will reveal what, if anything, needs to be addressed and healed.
Even if there’s no one in particular who broke your heart, I would encourage you to do the heart-check still because sometimes your heart can be broken because you didn’t get what you wanted. Whichever the case, a broken heart needs to be healed. When it goes unchecked, a broken heart creates a toxic relationship with your thoughts, causing you to make decisions out of your hurt, which leads to broken results that fall short of what you really want. A broken heart plus broken thinking equals broken results (Broken heart + Broken thinking = Broken results).
Take the time to heal from everything that has caused you to question and doubt how special you are. Forgive, release, and bless those that have hurt you. Focus on the healing; not the hurt. Be patient with yourself and remember: You are exactly what God wanted when He created you. Accept and love all of you, requiring others you spend time with to do the same.
That’s it for now, my loves. There’s so much more I want to say, but this is an article not a book. As you apply the 6 Points of Power to Help You Grow in Self-love to your life, don’t go numb and indifferent about being in love with a special someone. Step back and assess your life to make adjustments that reflect the best you. Love will find you when you least expect it. And you’ll be ready when it does.
To dive deeper into the 6 Points of Power, visit me on the web at www.VanessaWerts.com or send an email to schedule me for a Love, Relationships & Healing workshop. Until then…
Peace in all things,